Perfectionism: When Nothing Ever Feels Good Enough (Therapy practice in Paris 10 - for Expats)

You redo what you just did. You read it over one more time. You don't send it because it's not quite right yet. Or you give up before you even start, so paralysed are you by the fear of not being good enough.

Perfectionism is not a quality in disguise. It is often a silent form of suffering — and it deserves to be looked at honestly.

Perfectionism is not the same as excellence

There is a common confusion between perfectionism and rigour. Rigour is the desire to do things well, to improve, to hold yourself to a healthy standard. It leaves room for mistakes, for learning, for the satisfaction of a job done.

Perfectionism comes from a different place. It is not "I want this to be good." It is "if it isn't perfect, it isn't acceptable." And behind that thought, there is often something deeper: the fear that imperfection says something terrible about who you are.

Where does it come from?

Perfectionism is learned, not innate. It often develops in contexts where a child came to understand, in one way or another, that their worth was conditional — tied to their results, their behaviour, what they produced.

It may come from a very demanding environment. From a home where failure didn't really have a place. From repeated comparisons with a sibling or classmates. Or, on the contrary, from a certain emotional unpredictability that pushed the child to stay in line, to never slip up.

Over time, this mechanism becomes automatic. The inner demand becomes a reflex — even when the situation no longer calls for it.

What perfectionism really costs

We sometimes believe that perfectionism protects us — from shame, from others' judgment, from failure. But in the long run, it tends to create the very things it seeks to avoid:

• Procrastination: when the fear of not doing well enough prevents you from starting

• Exhaustion: from constantly redoing, never feeling satisfied

• Loss of pleasure: satisfaction is always pushed back to "when it's truly good"

• Isolation: it is hard to ask for help when you cannot show yourself as "incomplete"

• Fragility in the face of failure: when it does happen, it feels like a catastrophe

  
  

Perfectionism and self-worth

At the heart of perfectionism, there is almost always a question of self-worth. Not a lack of confidence in one's abilities — people who struggle with perfectionism are often highly capable — but a fragility in the value they grant themselves unconditionally.

Put another way: "I feel worthy when I succeed, when I measure up, when I don't disappoint anyone." This conditional self-worth is exhausting to maintain.

What therapy can change

Working on perfectionism in therapy is not about learning to stop caring or lowering your standards. It is about understanding where it comes from. Recognising what it is trying to protect. And gradually, building a relationship with yourself that no longer depends so heavily on performance.

It is also about learning to sit with the discomfort of "good enough" — and discovering that the world does not fall apart.

👉 If you recognise yourself in these words and would like to explore this further, I welcome you at my practice in Paris 10th arrondissement, or via teleconsultation. Feel free to get in touch to arrange a first appointment.