Why Is It So Difficult to Leave a Relationship That No Longer Makes Us Happy? (Therapy Practice in Paris 10)
Sometimes, deep down, we know that a relationship is no longer right for us. Something has changed or faded, we no longer feel like ourselves, and the same difficulties seem to come up again and again. And yet, leaving can feel almost impossible.
We may continue to hope that things will change, hold on to the good memories, fear that we will regret our decision, hurt the other person, or end up alone. We may even wonder: “If I’m unhappy, why can’t I just leave?”
Finding it difficult to leave a relationship does not necessarily mean that we want to stay. It may simply reflect everything that keeps us attached to that relationship.
Because a relationship is never defined only by what isn’t working
Even when a relationship causes us pain, it can also bring affection, shared memories, familiar routines, a sense of security, or stability. Leaving therefore means losing something, even when we know that this loss may be necessary.
It is possible to love someone and know that the relationship is no longer right for us. It is possible to feel deeply attached to someone while also needing to move away from the relationship.
These contradictions can be difficult to accept. Sometimes, we wish we could feel an absolute certainty: “I don’t love them anymore, so I’m leaving.”
But emotions are rarely that simple.
Because we may be afraid of regretting our decision
What if I’m making a mistake? What if I never find someone else? What if things could eventually get better?
These questions can keep us stuck in indecision for a long time.
When we know a situation, even an unsatisfying one, it can feel less frightening than the unknown. Leaving means taking a step towards something we cannot yet predict. We do not need to be certain about the future to acknowledge that something, today, no longer feels right for us.
Because we may feel responsible for the other person’s happiness
Some people find it particularly difficult to cope with the idea of hurting someone else. They may think: “They depend on me.”“I’m going to hurt them.”“After everything we’ve been through, I can’t leave.” Guilt can then take up a great deal of space.
Yet staying in a relationship simply because we feel responsible for the other person’s emotions does not necessarily allow us to build a healthier or happier relationship. A separation can be painful. But the pain caused by a separation does not necessarily mean that the decision to leave is wrong.
Because we may have become used to putting our own needs aside
In some relationships, we gradually learn to adapt: avoiding conflict, pleasing the other person, waiting for the right moment, or minimising what we feel.
Over time, it can become difficult to know what we really want.
We may start asking ourselves:
“Am I really unhappy, or am I expecting too much?”“Are my expectations legitimate?”“Should I simply try harder?”
Sometimes, the question is not only “Is this relationship good for me?”, but also:
“Do I allow myself to take what I feel into account?”
Leaving does not always mean that we have stopped loving someone
A relationship does not necessarily end because love has completely disappeared. Sometimes, it ends because the relationship, as it exists, no longer allows each person to find their place, feel free, heard, or fully alive.
We can feel love, tenderness and gratitude… and still choose to leave.
There is not always a dramatic reason. Sometimes, there is simply a recurring feeling that something no longer feels right for us.
What if the real question was: “What do I need today?”
When we are caught in ambivalence, trying to find a definitive answer immediately can be exhausting.
It can be more helpful to turn our attention back towards ourselves:
How do I feel in this relationship on a day-to-day basis?
Can I be myself?
What does this relationship bring me?
What does it ask me to give up?
What do I feel when I imagine staying?
And when I imagine leaving?
What am I afraid of?
What am I still hoping for?
Understanding what is happening within us can already help us gradually move out of confusion.
Therapy can provide a space to explore this ambivalence, without having to immediately choose between staying and leaving. It can help us reconnect more clearly with our emotions, needs and boundaries.
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