How to Deal With Anger: Understanding the Emotion Behind It (Therapy Practice in Paris 10 - for Expats)

Anger is frightening. Sometimes to ourselves. Often in the eyes of others. We reach for more acceptable words instead: "I'm a bit stressed," "I was tired," "I'm not an angry person." We swallow it, turn it against ourselves, hide it behind politeness or silence.

And yet, anger is an emotion in its own right. It is neither good nor bad. It is saying something — and it deserves to be heard.

What is anger for?

Anger is a response. It arises when something feels unjust, threatening, disrespectful, or when a boundary has been crossed. In that sense, it serves an essential function: it signals that something is wrong. Without anger, there would be no capacity to defend ourselves, to set limits, to say no. It is in the service of our integrity — of what matters to us.

The problem is not anger itself. It is the way it is expressed — or, on the contrary, the way it is suppressed.

When anger turns inward

In many families, cultures, and personal histories, anger was not allowed to exist — or at least, not to be expressed. Too much noise. Too much disruption. Too great a risk of losing someone's love.

So we learned to contain it. To swallow it. But suppressed anger does not disappear — it transforms:

• Into depression: anger turned against the self, constant self-criticism

• Into physical symptoms: tension, stomach pain, migraines

• Into anxiety: a permanent vigilance to avoid any conflict

• Into outbursts: the pressure cooker that eventually explodes — on someone who had nothing to do with it

Anger and shame

For many people, feeling angry brings an immediate wave of shame. "I shouldn't feel this." "It's awful to resent someone I love." "I must be a bad person."

This secondary shame is often more disabling than the anger itself. It prevents us from recognising what the emotion is trying to say, and from integrating it in a healthy way.

Healthy anger, destructive anger

There is no such thing as shameful anger — but there are ways of expressing anger that cause harm, to ourselves or to others. Violence, hurtful words, prolonged silent punishment: these are expressions worth working on.

Healthy anger, on the other hand, can be spoken. It tells the other person something important. It restores something that has been damaged — a boundary, a need, a sense of respect.

Learning to express anger is not learning to be aggressive. It is learning to stand up for yourself without destroying yourself or the other person.

What therapy can offer

In therapy, we can explore what anger is concealing — often fear, sadness, or unmet need. We can also understand what we have done with it until now: have we buried it? Turned it against ourselves? Expressed it in ways that cost us dearly?

And gradually, learn to welcome it for what it is: information, not a threat.

👉 If your relationship with anger — your own or someone else's — is weighing on you, I welcome you at my practice in Paris 10th arrondissement, or via teleconsultation. Feel free to get in touch for a first conversation.